Reasons why you keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners

Some of us keep repeating the same pattern in the relationships we have – from getting into mentally draining relationships to being the one choosing emotionally unavailable partners over and over again.

But why do we do so even when we learn from it from previous relationships? Addressing this, Therapist Sadaf Siddiqi wrote, “A big part of your self-awareness (and growth) will come from pausing to reflect on the patterns you keep repeating. Identifying them is the first step in your healing.” Sadaf further explained a few possible reasons as to why we keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners for ourselves. Here are a few reasons, take a look:

We are fixers: We identify ourselves as the ones who want to fix others. Hence, we tend to find people who need fixing, so that we can give more in the relationship. This also stems from the urge of pleasing others.

Past trauma: Many of us were brought up in homes where we did not receive the necessary love and attention while growing up. The parents and the caregivers usually maintained a distance from us, and we were left to be on our own. When we grow up, we usually look for emotionally unavailable partners because the pattern feels familiar to us.

Disconnect: We often feel disconnected from ourselves. Hence, we are not able to know the worth and the needs we have. that’s why we keep going for emotionally unavailable partners because we do not feel that our needs are important.

We are emotionally unavailable: There is a chance that a part of us are emotionally unavailable, who fear intimacy and vulnerability. Hence, we feel familiar patterns when we choose the ones who are also emotionally unavailable.

However, when we are with emotionally unavailable partners, it can get very draining and difficult for us. The fact that we keep choosing them and following the same pattern, needs introspect on our parts.