‘I’m A Celebrity..’ star Tulisa Contostavlos comes out as demisexual; psychologists explain what it means
Tulisa Contostavlos, singer-songwriter and star of the British reality show I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!, in a recent episode, revealed she identifies as demisexual.
Contostavlos, 36, told her campmates, “I feel like I’m demisexual. I need to have a really close emotional bond with someone. I need actual depth… I’m a slow, slow burner. I’ve been celibate for over three years.”
But what exactly does being demisexual mean? mental health professionals to unpack the concept and address common misconceptions.
Understanding demisexuality
Counselling psychologist Priya Parulekar said that demisexuality is characterised by a person feeling the need to establish a strong emotional connection with someone before feeling sexually or physically attracted to them. The term “demi” means “half,” striking a balance between emotional and sexual dimensions of attraction. “Demisexuality transcends other sexual identities—straight, bisexual, gay—and applies across genders and age groups,” she said.
“In most relationships, physical or sexual attraction, referred to as primary attraction, often comes first. For instance, someone might be drawn to another’s looks or personality, which could then develop into an emotional bond. However, for demisexual individuals, the reverse is true. Emotional connection, or secondary attraction, is a prerequisite for any physical or sexual interest to develop,” said Parulekar.
In India, Parulekar noted, demisexual tendencies were once a common aspect of arranged marriages, where emotional connections were cultivated over time. However, in modern urban settings, physical attraction is becoming a primary factor for many young people.
Shruti Padhye, psychologist at Mpower, said that sexual attraction, or secondary sexual attraction, develops as a result of an established emotional connection. “The depth and duration of the emotional bond required for sexual attraction can vary among demisexual individuals. Some may need a long-term, romantic relationship, while others may develop attraction within a close friendship or other significant emotional connection,” she said.
How can you tell you are demisexual?
Parulekar said that one can identify a demisexual personality by getting to know them better. They give importance to conversations, meetings, emotional connection and some form of emotional exclusivity before they are able to be physically intimate.
Misconceptions
Parulekar pointed out that some generic misconceptions regarding demisexuality involve seeing a person having low sex drive, disinterested in sex or even playing hard to get.